What’s Your Advice for the Groom?
Marriage—It’s a big step. It’s a life-altering event that brings many new experiences. Yet, as with most of life, so it goes. Life is a series of transitions, some celebrated and obvious: child to adolescence; high school to college; old job to new job; friend to spouse. Some less celebrated and obvious: today to tomorrow. Yet each of these transitions has one element in common: with each we bring our previous self to something new. While we should take some of our cumulative learnings to the next phase, old approaches and thinking don’t always translate to a new environment or new relationships-–if you don’t believe me just ask your spouse to recall how they had to change your “bad habits.”
As we progress in our profession and our life, we acquire behaviors that have proven effective in past situations. On the professional front, anyone who has gone from individual contributor to manager knows this story. Being the expert as an individual contributor is thrilling. Being the expert (and showing it) as a leader can be dysfunctional and toxic. Marshall Goldsmith spoke extensively about the concept of behavioral change for growth's sake in his book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There. As he says “Our previous success can get in the way of our future success.”
But sometimes we have to learn that the hard way.
Here’s the hard way: For much of my career—17 years—I worked at the same company. During that time I grew from an analyst to manager to chief operating officer. I was effective and successful by any metric. Following that company’s sale I moved on to another organization. I brought to that organization my way of operating, curated over nearly 20 years. After 18 months, I was fired. It was a painful lesson—thinking I could apply all I knew without adjustment or without consideration. So I took those bruises to a new role and found these approaches worked better.
Observe. In any new role or situation, the best thing to do first is observe. Take time to watch and gather information. And, more importantly, do so without judgment.
Be curious. Use open-ended questions to gain understanding. Keep this one in your repertoire at all times: “Tell me more about that.”
You don’t know what you don’t know. This is similar to the “observe” suggestion above, but more mind set related.You think you’re smart and you “know,” but you don’t.
Do not ever say, “Here’s how we did it.” It’s different here and now. Applying your out-of-context expertise without first observing (see above) will doom your credibility and effectiveness. This is similar to Goldsmith’s bad habit #6, “Telling the world how smart we are.”
Respect Chesterson’s Fence (don’t remove a fence before you know why it was put there). Before you change something you think is dumb, first ask why it was put there in the first place. At some point it made sense and removing it without care or inquiry disrespects the creator.
Find your niche. Here is where you CAN use your past as leverage for the future. Take what you know and find the problem it will solve or opportunity it will create. After you ask, “Tell me more about that.”
So what about that groom advice I asked for earlier? Not surprisingly, many of the same lessons from above apply to this new phase (especially that “observe” suggestion). But if you’re wondering, I suggest: Embrace the ride. Be caring. Be honest. Be curious (as Ted Lasso suggests). Be open to learning and growing together. This can be awesome if you don’t get in its way.
Oh, and grandkids would be nice.
Sound advice, I think.
Notes:
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