Living and Leading with Kindness, Human to Human
We are kind beings by nature. It just doesn’t always appear that way. In fact, it’s easier to accept the proposition that people are inherently jerks—remember your high school history class and the Hobbesian notion of human nature that sees us as solely self-serving individuals? Hobbes’ quote might sound familiar: “Life is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” But, I think the truth is more along the lines of, “A person is kind; people are jerks.” I’m not sure if anyone has said it before, but I’ll claim it now.
Yet, this notion still exists that jerkiness, rudeness, and selflessness are necessary evils—a particular necessity to rise in business. And kindness? Well, that is just nice to have.
I call BS. And here’s why.
Both research and anecdotal experience (who likes working for a jerk?) consistently illustrates that being a good human is better than not. Period. Dacher Keltner, UC Berkeley psychologist, believes that individuals who rise to positions of power are the friendliest and the most empathic. While this may sound pollyannaish—with much of society believing that power corrupts—it’s an example of what Keltner terms the power paradox.
The power paradox is this: we rise in power and make a difference in the world due to what is best about human nature, but we fall from power due to what is worst. We gain a capacity to make a difference in the world by enhancing the lives of others, but the very experience of having power and privilege leads us to behave, in our worst moments, like impulsive, out-of-control sociopaths.
There is also considerable research that indicates that power does indeed corrupt. One experiment put subjects in different vehicles (“cheap” vs. “snazzy”) and then had them encounter a pedestrian at a crosswalk. All of the subjects driving the cheap car stopped at the crosswalk. The snazzy car drivers? Only forty-five percent stopped. It seems prestige and power (or the feeling of it) does corrupt. (Note: The most personally painful comment from the researchers: “BMW drivers were the worst.” Guess what car I drive?)
The counterpoint? We are not born rude jerks. We learn to lead this way through dysfunctional habits, reinforcement, and cues from unkind leaders. So how do you unlearn being a jerk? One way is through connectedness, i.e. being human with other humans. How about this mind-numbing statistic: the lack of human contact is comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Not healthy by any measure.
Therefore, leaders need to build and cultivate the right type of connections: positive, helpful, and gracious interactions that reinforce our human goodness. In his book Humankind, Rutger Bregman summarizes it best: “Contact engenders more trust, more solidarity, and more mutual kindness. It helps you see the world through other people’s eyes.”
Mutual kindness. Now there’s an aspirational concept. The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation (yes, that’s a thing) offers loads of suggestions on practicing kindness. Here are some, with a sprinkling of other suggestions.
Assume positive intent. Simply giving the benefit of the doubt and holding judgment may be the single best kind act you can make today.
Ask someone about their day. Not just, “How are you doing?” but a genuine question and follow up with, “Tell me more about that.”
Smile at the person behind you in line and offer your spot if they have more items than you.
Give someone your attention. When bumping into someone in the hallway or when having a casual conversation, put down your phone, turn to them, and listen.
Accept that results and kindness can co-exist. You don’t need to be a jerk to create results.
Call someone you haven’t in a while and thank them for something they did. Choose a forgotten memory and watch for that surprise and joy.
Treat your peers and team members as people, not roles (or simply a means to get things done). Edgar and Peter Shein call this Level-2 relationships and it is a key to humble leadership, which requires kindness.
What’s best about these suggestions is that they take little time and effort, yet the impact is three fold. Yes. One random act of kindness has the carry-on effect on three other people. Triple your investment—no better return. So being a kind “person” will eventually lead to more kind “people.” So, “A person is kind; and so can people.” I like that quote even better.
Notes:
Loneliness leads to poorer physical and mental health
Kindness or Results: The False Choice Trap
Why Humble Leadership Will Win
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