Are Good People Hard to Find? Let’s Think About That.

I recently witnessed an exchange between two strangers. One man was navigating his truck and trailer into proper position to pull his boat from our local small lake; the other man sat in his collapsible chair, fishing pole in hand, casting from the shore into the shallow lake. I was too far away to hear the complete conversation, but it started casual, sort of nice weather type, then drifted into an exchange that appeared to include advice from fisherman to boater, with the fisherman pointing animatedly to areas of the lake. As the fisherman talked, the boater listened carefully.

Just prior to getting into his truck and pulling away, I heard the boater say, “Thanks for the advice. Good people are hard to find.” 

I think he really meant it. That’s unfortunate. Because I disagree with the premise. Good people are NOT hard to find. Good people are everywhere. What IS hard to find (often) are good behaviors, choices, and gracious responses. The reality is that our reactions to other’s behaviors are quick, unconscious, and -- per the outstanding research of Daniel Kahneman in his book Thinking, Fast and Slow -- often limiting, if not just plain wrong (with respectful dissent for Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink). 

We’ve all observed a situation where someone made a bad choice or behaved in an unproductive manner. The easy response is to pass judgement on the person (“he’s a jerk”) rather than invest in understanding the choice or behavior. I can hear you say “I don’t have time to understand the situation. I’m way too busy.” Sorry. That’s a copout. There is another option to rethink and respond productively and its really not difficult. It is just three steps: 1) pause, 2) think, 3) respond. 

How does that look in practice?

1. Pause

• Noticing when you’re reacting to someone’s action is the first step. Pay attention to your physical responses (increased heart rate, nervousness, etc.).These are clues that you might be readying a less-than-graceful response.

• Acknowledge that you likely have an opinion. Possibly strong. Maybe even valid. Don’t express it (yet).

2. Think

• What is the context for the observed behavior? A stressful situation can influence  behavior.

• What is the underlying intent? Often poor behavior or choices can be traced to something less intentionally malicious than our initial perception. Begin by assuming good, genuine intent.

3. Respond

• Respond with questions. Use open-ended, authentic questions that do not come preloaded with your assumptions. What questions? Glad you asked. Here are a few:

  • An easy one to start with is to genuinely ask, “What’s going on here?”

  • More precise? Try, “What can you tell me about the situation?”

  • Or how about, “What’s on your mind?” This is a safe and authentic question to learn about underlying intent.

  • And then this one: “How can I help?” 

Forty percent of our conscious behavior is habitual; unconscious responses to stimulus. We too often react before reflecting. But you have the choice of how you respond. Pause, think, then respond to the genuinely good people who are everywhere, hidden behind misunderstandings and perceptions. And often providing advice while fishing.

Resources:

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Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman

Blink, Malcolm Gladwell

Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg

Other terrific reads